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Thread: FUNNIES - The BFUK Jokes thread

  1. #41
    Baja-Forum Maniac voo2doo's Avatar
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    historys top 10 times for appropriate use of the f word

    10 th place-"scattered fu**ing showers my ****"-noah,4314 bc

    9th place-"how the fu** did you work that out"-pythagoras,126 bc

    8th place-"you want WHAT on the fu**ing ceiling"-michaelangelo,1566

    7th place-"where did all those fu**ing indians come from"-custer,1877

    6th place-"it does so fu**ing look like her"-picasso,1926

    5th place-"where the fu** are we"-amelia earhart,1937

    4th place-"any fu**ing idiot could understand that"-einstein,1938

    3rd place-"what the fu** was that"-mayor of iroshima,1945

    2nd place-"i need this parade like i need a fu**ing hole in the head"-jfk,1963

    and drum roll..............

    the number 1 most appropriate time for using the f word...

    "aw c'mon.who the fu** is going to find out"-tiger woods.2009
    .............................................BAJA OBLITERATOR!...................................... ....................

  2. #42
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    whats the definition of pain?

    a ant sliding down a razor blade and using its Bol***ks as brakes.

  3. #43
    Formerly Silverback RC flake99please's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Topper View Post
    What do you call a dear with no eyes ?

    No idea

    What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs ?

    Still no idea

    What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs, and no penis ?

    Still no ****in idea.

  4. #44
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    whats the definition of desperation?

    a one armed man hanging of a cliff with itchy balls.





    definition of stupity?


    he scratches them

  5. #45
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    confushious said man who goes to bed with a itchy bum

    will wake up with smelly fingers

  6. #46
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    Why should you never shag a midget with Downs Syndrome? Because it's not big and it's not clever.

  7. #47
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    Whats black and blue and scared of me?

    The 8 year old under my stairs.

  8. #48
    Baja-Forum Maniac Stumungous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Merlin View Post
    Whats black and blue and scared of me?

    The 8 year old under my stairs.
    What's black and blue and scared of sex?

    The 18yo in my basement.

  9. #49
    Senior Member seanmcgrath48's Avatar
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    Default Funnies. . .



    Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
    All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
    He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
    'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

    The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us...

    Just then they came upon another cave.
    The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
    Immediately, there was the answer.
    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

    He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
    As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
    'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
    There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

    He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
    With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.



    The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read........ .......





    NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!








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  10. #50
    Baja-Forum Maniac voo2doo's Avatar
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    J.
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  11. #51
    Now then, It's TOPPER! Topper's Avatar
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    *merged with the funnies thread*

  12. #52
    Senior Member seanmcgrath48's Avatar
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    Default Passport Application

    Does this sound familar?


    This was actually taken from a passport application and a member of staff copied it as it made her laugh all day.

    Subject: Passport Application
    Dear Minister,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to

    understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

    How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and

    telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in

    1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on

    what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every

    Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I

    have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you

    still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with

    contractors working for the government?

    How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am

    watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the

    government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will

    keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

    Do you people do this by hand?

    You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one

    with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on

    my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports

    I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out

    before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and

    all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the

    electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our

    lords and masters are up for re-election.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead

    on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was

    Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if

    that ever changed between now and the day I die!

    I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you

    and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then

    you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of

    Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin

    Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want

    to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of

    week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get

    another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to

    the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to

    have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new

    passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make

    sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with

    our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on

    the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile

    in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

    Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

    I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years

    at the Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security clearances which

    allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime

    Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been

    doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the

    Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am --

    you know, someone like my doctor ...

    who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN

    Yours sincerely,

    An Irate British Citizen.
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  13. #53
    Senior Member seanmcgrath48's Avatar
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    Default Marrige.....

    Marriage (Part I )



    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and





    after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
    I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
    I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
    I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
    when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
    give me a hard time about it.
    Those are my rules. Any comments?"

    His new bride said:
    "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
    here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

    (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

    ************************************************

    Marriage (Part II)


    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

    The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
    that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

    "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
    that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)


    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part III)


    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

    Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
    good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

    After some time he realizes he was nasty and
    decides to make amends and rings her up.

    She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,





    "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

    She says, "I was in bed."

    "In bed this early, doing what?"

    "Getting a second opinion!"

    (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part IV)


    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

    He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
    wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party.





    The man decides that it IS time to go home and





    wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.





    He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
    shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

    *****************************************

    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home
    and were giving each other the silent treatment.

    Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
    to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
    of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
    was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
    noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    *****************************************
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  14. #54
    Senior Member seanmcgrath48's Avatar
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    Default Excerpts from your pet's Diary.

    Be sure to scroll all the way down to see the Cats Diary too.


    Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

    8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


    Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
    Day 983 of my captivity.


    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
    hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
    rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
    to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
    to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
    I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
    demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
    condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
    placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
    I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
    confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
    means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
    tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
    this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
    seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with
    the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
    captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
    so he is safe.

    For now.........
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  15. #55
    Baja-Forum Maniac Neon-RC's Avatar
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    Default this made me giggle

    Girls Night Out

    Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married:

    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last words.

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

    Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckooclock."

    When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, ," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
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  16. #56
    Baja-Forum Maniac voo2doo's Avatar
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    That made me laugh too
    J.
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  17. #57
    Baja-Forum Maniac Neon-RC's Avatar
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    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

    He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
    worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

    When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

    Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
    wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
    older?'

    The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'
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  18. #58
    BFUK-aholic™ Echlin W's Avatar
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  19. #59
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  20. #60
    Now then, It's TOPPER! Topper's Avatar
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    The second one was class, I like it

    *merged to jokes and funnys thread*

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